Strength
by Opal Irises
Summary: It was one year to the exact day...The day their child died. They never had the strength to say it. All they needed was strength. [RyanMarissa]


**DISCLAIMER – I own neither Ryan nor Marissa. I do own Marc though, I made him up.** **A/N – This is based on one day, one year to the exact day that Ryan and Marissa's son died. Lot's of crying, lots of tears. **

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"**I have something very important to tell you. You might want to sit down…"**

"_**It's OK. I'm fine. What happened?"**_

"_**Mrs. Atwood…I really think that it's best you sat down for this."**_

"_**Please, sir, with all due respect, I don't have time to sit down. Just tell me what happened."**_

"_**There was an accident…As Marc was leaving school. Mrs. Atwood. I'm sorry…He didn't make it."**_

One year.

It was one year to that very day. That horrible, horrible day. It had turned her life upside down.

She woke up with the sheets twisted around her, her head pounding, and her brain screaming those words…that changed her life forever. **_"He didn't make it…"_**

She had been having that dream again. The one with Marc…He was running across the road with his friends, and then that…that huge car. It came out of nowhere and knocked him down. She screamed, but no one could hear her. She wasn't even sure if any sound came out. People everywhere rushed towards Marc, to the poor, frail, lifeless boy lying on the road, surrounded by a pool of his own blood. But then he got up. He was fine, but it was like no one noticed. His body still lay there, deathly cold. But he was running. Running away. All she wanted to do was run after him. She tried but she couldn't move. Eventually he would get further and further away. She would scream and cry. But he didn't hear her. No one did. No one but Ryan. When she looked, he was standing there, next to her, like he always had been. Only he had heard her screams. But he could do nothing about Marc. He kept running and running…until he was gone. Everyone else disappeared then too. Everyone but Ryan. The world around them became black. They spun around and around and around. They were falling. There was no noise but Marc's riveting laughter. It bounced off the empty walls of their hell; pounding into their skull's…their lost child's laugh. The one they would never hear again…

She had had that dream for weeks, months after what happened to Marc. Eventually it went away. So why did it have to come back now? Now, of all times. That very day.

She couldn't handle the pain. It was everywhere. Her head throbbed like an awful hangover. Her stomach felt like a bottomless pit, it just kept falling and falling, sinking deeper and deeper into the darkness. But nothing compared to the pain her heart felt. Every second ripped another piece off…She rolled over in bed.

Ryan wasn't there.

She swung her legs slowly out, bracing herself for the pain she would feel when she moved. Her body jerked. It was worse then she could imagine. Her heart burned like the fire in hell…

She walked around the house, looking for Ryan. Every step hurt. She finally found him. He was sitting out on the balcony. Their house was one with a beautiful beachside view, where you could see, hear and smell the waves, lulling gently onto the sand. He was sitting in an old rocking chair, wearing pajama pants and no shirt. He could hear her walking, the wood on the balcony creaked, no matter how softly she tip-toed. But he didn't move. He stared out at the ocean, the waves gently crashing, and drawing back to the sea. Sometimes, he wished that they would just suck him in as well.

Marissa walked over to him softly. Without a word, no hesitation, she sat down on his lap. For a second, he tensed up, but when he saw it was her, and not…who he thought it could be…he relaxed.

They sat there in silence. They didn't know how long it was. You couldn't measure pain by minutes and hours. But eventually, Marissa spoke.

"Ryan…" she asked. "Do you miss him? All the time?"

For a few seconds, Ryan said nothing. He couldn't put his answer to that question into what he felt…

"Every day." He said. "Every minute of every day. I can never not think about him."

He wrapped her arms around her waist and hugged her tighter to him. He couldn't let go of her. She was all he had. He rested his chin on her shoulder and stared into the water. Every time they crashed he heard Marc's laugh. Every time they withdrew, he heard his screams. But he would never hear either of them again.

He felt a small tear drop from his eye, down his cheek. It fell onto Marissa's shoulder, but he wiped it off quickly. He didn't want her to know that he was crying. Ryan didn't cry. After all that happened, he would remain strong. For Marissa. He would be her rock. When she couldn't handle it, when she broke down and cried, he held her up. He comforted her. It would all fall apart if he started crying.

"Ryan…" whispered Marissa. "It's OK."

"No it's not."

"It's OK Ryan…" she repeated. "You can cry…You know that, right…You can cry."

"No Riss." He said firmly, trying to ignore the tears in his eyes. "I can't cry. I have to be strong. For you. And for Marc."

She looked into his eyes. She saw the tears. "You don't always have to be strong Ryan. It's how well you can handle your emotions that measure how strong you truly are."

Her words made the tears all that much easier to fall.

The cried together, their bodies entwined, their souls as one.

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She pulled him on top of him. Her tears fell from her face and onto his naked chest.

"We shouldn't do this…Not now…it's not right…" he said as she kissed his lips. Her lips were salty from the tears.

"I know its not right…" she said, her own sobs almost choking her words. "But please…we have to…it'll make me feel strong Ryan. Help me. I want to. I want to be strong again."

He nodded, kissing her. "I love you," he panted, his tongue in her mouth.

He entered her slowly, nothing but her face in his mind. Marc's face there was too, lurking in the background. As wrong as this was, he needed it too. As much as she did. He needed to be strong.

Marissa entwined her legs around his body, panting. This was where she moaned…She should have moaned…She meant to moan…but it exploded into tears and sobs. She loved this…She loved Ryan…She loved Marc…

She was strong.

When it was all over, she lay at his side, still crying.

"I'm sorry Ryan."

She didn't even know what she was sorry for. There were so many things…what happen to Marc…How she'd been acting…Nothing was her fault, but she was sorry anyway.

"You have nothing to be sorry for."

"I just needed to be strong…I wanted to be strong…"

"You are strong Riss."

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As Marissa slept restlessly, tossing and turning, Ryan crept out of bed.

Midnight.

He walked out to the balcony and sat down. He couldn't see the waves…so he closed his eyes and listened to them crashing. When he opened his eyes, Marissa was standing over him. He said nothing to her, and she said nothing back. One more time, she sat on his lap, and he wrapped his arms around her.

Silence.

"Ryan…?"

He said nothing. But she knew he was listening to her.

"Do you…Do you ever think that…the only reason we're together…is because of him?"

Ryan stared at her. How could she think something like that?

"No…Riss…No. Of course not…"

She started to cry again. "But…but the only reason that we got together is coz I was pregnant…"

He hugged her tighter, closer to his body, so that she could feel his heart bating. "We may have got together because you were pregnant…but we stayed together because we were in love. And we've stayed together after all of this…after what happened to Marc…"

"He died."

Marissa whispered the words so softly that Ryan almost couldn't hear them.

"What?" he asked.

"He died." She said again. "He died. Do you know, we have never said that? That our little boy died. It was always some terrible "tragedy"…or, "what" happened. Like that's all it was. A what. Or we "lost him.". But we didn't lose him. Did we Ryan? He died."

Ryan gulped, and he felt the tears stinging his eyes. This time, he didn't wipe them away. They fell, fast and steady. He hugged Marissa closer, kissing her cheek.

"He died…our little boy's dead…"

"Dead." Repeated Ryan.

"I'm so weak Ryan…" Marissa said. She did sound weak. Her voice was frail and small. But her heart was pure, and although she could not see it through the pain she was experiencing, she was strong.

"You're not weak Riss. You're strong."

"You're my strength Ryan…" she whispered.

She wrapped her arms around his neck, burying her face in him. Maybe she was strong, she thought. But she couldn't be strong all the time…She loved the way that he supported her. He had supported her. Always. And now, she loved the way that his strong shoulders held her face, how his arms kept her weak body steady. She was spinning, just like in her dream. It was just her and Ryan. The world around them was black, but they held on to each other. And she could hear Marc. And his echoing, haunting laughter. It chilled her bones…she heard it all around her. But it was less when she was with Ryan. Ryan was her strength. He was the reason she lived…and he moved his face down to her ears. As their cheeks pressed together, their tears mixed. Their cheeks were hot, together as one. They kissed softly. As their lips parted slowly, he whispered into her ear…

"We are each other's strength."

END


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